To Be Announced

A sermon delivered at the Unitarian Universalist Congregation (Blacksburg, VA), May 21, 2006, by the Reverend Christine Brownlie.

Last summer I was honored to be asked to give a talk for one of the evening worship services at SUUSI 2006. I was told that sometime in January I’d need to submit for the catalog my title and a blurb, plus a brief bio. When the official request arrived in my e-mail, I was prepared and replied immediately. (I like to take care of this kind of thing quickly because it is so easy for me to forget something like this and it’s important to me to respect other people’s deadlines.) So to tell the truth, I was feeling pretty virtuous. I’d done what I was asked to do. Good for me!

When the on-line version of the catalog came out a few months later, I was dismayed to discover that my information wasn’t listed. I immediately contacted the person who had requested my information, expecting that this omission would be taken care of. A couple of weeks later, when the hard copy arrived, I looked to see if my information had been added. It wasn’t. No sermon title, no blurb, no bio! Just the day of the week that I was to speak (Tuesday) my name, and the awful words, “To Be Announced.”

In that unhappy moment, I was filled with a powerful mix of emotions. I was angry, embarrassed, anxious, and ashamed. In my mind, the words “To Be Announced” were a code that told the reader that I was an irresponsible, thoughtless person who was perfectly content to ignore deadlines and leave everyone hanging. Most UUs want to know what to expect before they go to hear a speaker. My fear was that without a title and blurb, when Tuesday evening rolled around, my potential audience would decide to go hang out at Gillies or The Cellar instead of attending the service.

As my hurt feelings began to settle, I realized that what really troubled me was that an assumed agreement had been up-ended. That agreement is a simple one and something that most of us live by. Here’s my version:

If I do what I’m supposed to do, then things will go as I expect them to go.

Sometimes it works out this way and sometimes Life, Fate, God — or whatever you think is the motivating force of the Universe — winks an eye and gives a poke to the ribs and says in effect, “Oh yeah, well think again sweetie!” And that’s what happened to me with the SUUSI catalog. Life was laughing at me for my silly assumption. Once again, I just had to accept the lesson that stuff happens, and go on despite my embarrassment and annoyance.

This assumed agreement has been around for centuries, and despite evidence to the contrary , we still believe it because it gives us a sense of control over our lives and the forces that impinge upon us. I believe that it is at the heart of the religious impulse. Since the beginning of human existence we have told ourselves that if we can figure out how to appease the powerful forces of nature that give us life and death, we could control them. Maybe this is why we and our ancestors have created rituals, chants, prayers, and sacrifices – if we can appease the gods we’ll be OK. And if we can’t control what happens in this life, maybe we can influence what will happen to us in the realm beyond this world.

We find this kind of thinking in Jewish, Christian, and Islamic Scriptures. God tells the people that if they obey the laws and statutes, if they keep the proper faith and abandon all others, they will reap a reward, in the next life — if not in this life. As the god of the Jewish scriptures promises again and again, if you do as I say I will be your protector, redeemer and comforter. Bad times may come, but I will never forget you.

I don’t believe in this kind of quid-pro-quo arrangement with the Almighty. It seems to create childish relationship between humanity and the divine. But many modern secular people are deeply committed to a similar version of this ancient agreement. The modern version is that if we follow the advice and — yes — commandments that are presented as the result of “scientific studies,” and if we pay attention to the claims of certain “experts” in the fields of nutrition, medicine, mental health, child rearing, and so forth, then we improve our chances that bad things will not befall us or those we for whom we care.

I want to assure you that I do understand the difference between a good study with reliable results that can be replicated and a study that does not meet the rigorous standards of the scientific method. I’m also very aware that there are bona fide experts with professional credential, and there are self-proclaimed experts with very questionable training and experience. I’m not blaming or bashing science. What I’m concerned about is the way the results of these studies are reported, and the way they are hyped by mass media. When you and I read about such studies or come upon a new expert with different ideas, we often have no opportunity to ask important questions and come to our own conclusions. Consequently we don’t know if a claim is a truth that must be followed if we are to live happy healthy lives, or if it is just yet another fad with little in the way of fact to support it.

The popular media is full of this sort of information, and I think that most of it is directed at women. It seems that every month the women fitness magazines will feature something about “wonder foods” or “cancer busters” or “fat blasters.” The reader is left to wonder if she is getting enough of whatever vitamin or mineral the experts are touting this month. It is not unusual that within a few months after I adjusted to the new ingredient, come out with a new and contradictory study will come out telling me that was a bad choice. ‘Eat, drink, and be anxious,” seems to be the slogan for our times

Parents are caught up in this predicament too. Moms and dads are on the lookout for studies that promote ways to boost a child’s performance on intelligence tests by 10 or 15 points. They feel pushed to run out and buy the newest discovery that might give their child an edge in the very competitive world of kindergarten! Baby boomers will do just about anything to avoid the dreaded diseases of old age: dementia, Alzheimer’s, and arthritis. The health food industry is delighted to cater to our worries and our illusion that 60 is the new 40.

Of course we want to be healthy. And we should do all that we reasonably can to take care of ourselves and our families. A healthy diet, exercise, encouraging our children’s interests and talents, taking an active interest in their education are all good and important. But somehow we’re creating a sense of cause and effect that may not be well grounded in facts. This is accompanied by a sense of personal entitlement that if we do the right things, we will be strong, healthy and still physically attractive long after the candles on the cake number 50. And our children will be brilliant and successful.

The other side of the belief that we can insure a healthy happy future for ourselves and our loved ones by following the advice of the experts is that if life doesn’t work out as we’d planned and something goes wrong, that we — personally —have failed. A local oncologist once told me that he spends a lot of time telling his patients — especially women with breast cancer — that it is not their fault — no matter what they’ve read about food, deodorants, or other “causes.”

We don’t limit this blaming-the-patient mentality to ourselves. I’ve noticed that when some folks hear the sad news that someone they know has cancer or some other serious illness, the conversation moves quickly to why this happened. Did the afflicted person smoke or eat unhealthy foods? Exercise enough? Weigh too much or too little? Take the right supplements? And, we don’t limit this kind of analysis and fault-finding to poor health. Did someone’s child drop out of high school or college, or get held back in grade school? Let’s analyze mom’s parenting style or dad’s tendency to work too much. Financial problems? Let’s speculate about their spending habits.

What we’re doing here is similar to what people in ancient times did. When bad things happen to someone we know, we feel vulnerable. So we cast about for reasons, and we shore up our determination to make the sacrifices and practice the virtues that we believe will protect us against the same fate. Oh we know that we can’t really escape the inevitable trials that come to everyone. Yet so often, when life hands us an unexpected blow or even just a trivial bump, we feel angry and ashamed, as if we are somehow at fault. Or we assume that people will think we’re to blame — just as I did when I saw “TBA” in the SUUSI catalog

Even Vice President Dick Cheney says that our quest for control is an illusion. Recently during his commencement address at LSU in Baton Rouge, he shared the observation that life is full of setbacks and that things rarely turn out the way as planned. I imagine that this observation was not a surprise to a lot of these students since many were from New Orleans and had gone through the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. Even so, it’s encouraging to hear this kernel of truth from one of the major proponents of the invasion of Iraq which, had things gone according to plan, would not have become the morass we find ourselves in now. I can only hope that as he and our President contemplate what to do about Iran, they will remember this valuable lesson. … But I digress.

Life does not unfold according to our plans. I am not in charge, and even when I am careful and do everything right — including meeting other people’s expectations and deadlines — I can still get blindsided by unexpected outcomes that upset me and set me spinning into feelings of anger and shame. I can do my best to be a good parent, a good spouse, a careful driver, and take good care of my own health. And yet, I still face life-changing events that I did not want. Sometimes life gives us a poke in the ribs and laughs at our assumptions. There are other times when we’re faced with a tragedy that feels like a blow to the solar plexus. We’re left reeling, gasping for breath; we wonder if we will ever stand up again.

I was reminded of this last week when I learned that a friend had a devastating stroke, and two families lost beloved sons who committed suicide. All of these people are good caring folks who are careful, kind, generous, and loving. They don’t “deserve” whatever happened. But I’m sure that each one of them is struggling and agonizing over the possibility that he or she is in some way responsible for what happened. The question that can haunt us when we are in the midst of a catastrophe is what might we have done or not done that could have prevented such terrible consequences?

I know that some people believe that everything happens for a reason. I can’t make sense of that in my own mind. I also don’t believe in a divine power that sends storms and disease into the world as a sign of displeasure with the behavior of a specific group of people. Nor do I believe that bad things happen to us because at some level we want them to happen. And while I do believe in personal responsibility and holding ourselves accountable when we make mistakes or are in some way negligent, I think that telling people who are grieving and in despair that they are somehow the cause of their pain only creates more suffering. Rabbi Harold Kushner shares my concern his book Why Bad Things Happen to Good People:

"One of the worst things that happens to a person who has been hurt by life is that he tends to compound the damage by hurting himself a second time. Not only is he the victim of rejection, bereavement, injury, or bad luck; he often feels the need to see himself as a bad person who had this coming to him, and because of that drives away people who try to come close to him and help him. Too often, in our pain and confusion, we instinctively do the wrong thing. We don't feel we deserve to be helped, so we let guilt, anger, jealousy, and self-imposed loneliness make a bad situation even worse."

What works for me is to accept that life is full of uncertainty and mystery. We make the meaning in hindsight as we go along, celebrating the happy unexpected delights and moments of victory, struggling with disappointment and grieving our losses. We make meaning as we accept a reasonable and realistic level of responsibility for whatever has happened. Of course, our decisions and actions have an influence on our life and the lives of other people. But there are also times when there was nothing that we or anyone else could have done to prevent disease or disaster. There are also times when good fortune or a moment of serendipity comes along and everything changes for the better, and we have nothing to do with it — except to be grateful

We as human beings, and the world in which we live, are imperfect. Despite our best efforts and intentions, stuff happens. If we can accept this fact of life without resentment, guilt, anger, or self-pity, then we can take the stuff of life — the good and the bad — and use it for our own self-understanding and healing. We may eventually go on to use our suffering as a vehicle for healing the wounds of others. How many good causes and organizations have come into being because someone who experienced a deep pain developed a strong sense of determination that others should not have to suffer as he or she had suffered?

My own poke-in-the-ribs reminded me not to take such things so personally, and not to assume that anyone else would rush to judge me. I realized that had I seen the words “To Be Announced” after a colleague’s name, I would have considered a number of possible reasons for the missing information and not have leaped to the conclusion that it was irresponsibility on that person’s part. Why was I so quick to assume that they would think so badly of me?

How do we manage our unpredictable lives without falling into chronic anxiety or believing that we are trapped by a fate we can’t control? I would answer that we need one another to share, listen, and reflect on our experiences and insights together. Life is filled with the unexpected joys and sorrows that we must respond as each unfolding moment is announced. But we can’t do the work of healing and meaning-making alone. It’s much better to stand together, taking comfort and courage in our commitment to one another to be steadfast companions on this curious journey called life.

May it be so.

Finally ... Rev. Brownlie's title, blurb, and bio are in the on-line SUUSI 2006 Worship Service Web Page.

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