The Gift of Forgiveness

A sermon delivered at the Unitarian Universalist Congregation (Blacksburg, VA), April 12, 2009, by the Reverend Christine Brownlie.

Easter is a troubling “holy day” for many Unitarian Universalists. Many of us reject the biblical story that is the basis for this feast-day on the liturgical calendar. It offends our reason, and it contradicts our experience of life and death. I remember a difficult conversation with a Sunday School teacher over the theology of Easter — one of several such conversations that helped me realize that as much as I loved the teachings of Jesus and thought that they were worthy of my attention, I could not ground my life in the religion about Jesus. Based on the results of our recent Congregational Assessment, I know that many of you feel as I do, that Jesus’ ethical teachings are an important source of your approach to life. So on this Easter Sunday, I want to explore one of Jesus most troubling and difficult teachings.

Jesus was big on forgiveness, and he often spoke about it. He taught his followers that they were to forgive one another as God forgave them, and if they were unable to be forgiving, then they could not expect forgiveness for themselves. They were to forgive those who hurt them — even those who were their enemies. When Peter was asked how many times he should forgive someone who had harmed him, Jesus’ answer was seventy-times-seven — in other words, repeatedly. According to the Gospel of John, some of Jesus last words were to ask for forgiveness for those who crucified him. The whole point of the Easter story is that Jesus took on the sins of humanity, thus wining forgiveness for all; at least that is the belief of many Christians — including our Universalist foremothers and forefathers.

These teachings might be hard for us to accept, because they go against our ideas of justice. If someone hurts us, we want them to pay in some way. A wrong should be righted. If I borrow something from you and lose or damage that item, I should replace it. That's only fair. If I say or do something that hurts your feelings or your body, then at the very least, I should apologize. If I cause you physical injury or damage your property, I should pay for the suffering and damage. Forgiveness is something that comes only after the guilty person has done the best he or she can to repair the damage or to soothe the injuries.

But life isn't that tidy, is it? Sometimes the wounds don't go away — even if everything that can be done has been done. The injury is so severe that the body or the psyche can't be restored, and we live with pain that makes life miserable. Sometimes the person who hurt us doesn't apologize or make any other effort to make things better. Or we are stuck in our pain and anger, and we just can't find a way to make these uncomfortable feelings go away. If the person who hurt us is someone who has shared much of our life, we can get to a stage where we avoid going near any of the places that person might be. Couples who end their relationship face the difficulty of seeing one another at the health club or at a favorite restaurant.

If we run into this person, we might pretend that our wound has healed and that we're just fine and so glad to see them!!! But as Lewis B. Smedes points out, often what we're really doing is making believe we are at peace while the furies rage within just beneath the surface.

“There, hidden and suppressed, our hatred opens vile subterranean faucets of venom that will eventually infect all omr relationships in ways we cannot predict. Hate left to itself, denied and hidden, leaves us in a cold hell behind insulated masks of warm conviviality.”

That's not how I want to live my life, and I'll bet that you don't either. Last fall I had the opportunity to attend a day-long seminar given by Dr. Everett Worthington. You might recall his name if you saw the documentary film, The Power of Forgiveness. Dr. Worthington has been working on the problem of forgiveness for decades, and I found his insights and wisdom very helpful. I hope that you will too.

It's important lor us to understand what Forgiveness is — and isn't. Let's start with what it isn’t:

• denying that a wrong occurred;
• excusing (saying a wrong is fully justified);
• condoning (actually approving of the wrong);
• forgetting Forgive and Forget — not (it is impossible to ever forget an emotional wound);
• overlooking (e.g., saying, “I know you wronged me but I’m moving on with my life.”);
• reconciling (e.g., restoring trust in the relationship);
• surrendering our right to justice;
• not an invitation to be hurt again.

Forgiveness is:

• realizing that a true wrong was done to you, but
• being willing to count that debt as paid through giving the gift of forgiveness to the person who needs that gift.

Sometime the movement from anger to forgiveness is easy. Our positive feelings for the person who hurt us are strong, and we place high value on the relationship that we share. The opposite may also be at play. We have no investment in the relationship, and we consider the pers who insulted us to be insignificant. In the first instance, we make an effort to express our hurt and to find a way to reconcile. In the second instance, we might shrug off the hurt and drop that person a few notches on our personal evolutionary scale.

I would guess that most of us have experienced that truism that time heals wounds. Someone offers an apology for a wrong that was committed years ago, and you barely recall the event Thal old wound has healed so well and so easily that you've actually forgotten about it, until something or someone jogs your memory.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the process of reaching that point of letting go were always so easy? Getting stuck in a painful memory can be miserable. We suffer every time we think of the wrong that was done and the hurt that we bear. Recall Worthington's observation that emotional wounds can stay with us long after the physical or financial pain has healed.

He believes that if someone does or says something that arouses feelings of shame or humiliation, betrayal, or fear, we never really forget what happened. Nor should we. But we can move on if we want to, if we are able and willing to do the hard work that is often a part of the healing we long for.

Before we examine the process of forgiveness, I would like to echo Dr. Worthington’s reassurance that it is OK if we're not ready to forgive. There's no timetable or deadline by which we have to cross the forgiveness line. In fact, anger can be useful! I've used anger to boost my energy when I was facing a difficult task that required some serious effort. I once moved an amazing amount of soil from the driveway to the back yard! The energy I needed for this task was fueled largely by the anger I felt over the shoddy installation job that a contractor had done on a home improvement project. That was a good use for my anger! I also had to come to a realization that this wasn't something that I wanted to hold on to forever, and with some focused awareness, I was able to let it go.

Making me decision to move toward forgiveness of a wrong — especially if our feelings of hurt are still strong — takes courage. It can help to have someone you trust be a partner in the work that lies ahead. A friend or a therapist can be a support and help us stay on the path that we've chosen, especially when the work is challenging.

Worthington suggests a couple of approaches that might seem counter-intuitive. The first is to recall the hurt and the feelings that came with that event. Name them, and then ask yourself what you like to feel instead — in other words, what is the goal of your journey? How often have we heard about someone who suffered a great wrong and then devoted his life to a cause that would address that pain in a very public and significant way? We've a wonderful example of this kind of work with the opening of the Center for Peace at Virginia Tech.

The second approach is to empathize with the person who hurt you. When I first heard this, I was baffled. I could imagine trying to empathize with a friend or family member, but not with a person who had done something terrible and violent to me or to someone I cared about.

What Worthiiigton means by empathy is to try to imagine why the wrongdoer did whatever he or she did. He suggests a role-play that might help: pretend that you're the defense attorney presenting an argument on behalf of the “defendant.” This is not to make excuses, but to recognize that the person who hurt you is a human being, and that all of us are capable of hurting others. Sometimes it's simple thoughtlessness. Sometimes we're frightened or upset ourselves. Sometimes we're acting on something in our own past that we can't get a grip on.

You may find that as you recall the painful event or attempt to generate some empathy for the person who hurt you, your thoughts become negative. One way to cope with this, is to tell yourself that you will stop all thoughts of forgiveness for the rest of the day — and see what happens. (If this reminds you of the mind-game “don’t think of a red balloon,” you’re right.)

Another suggestion from Worthington is to recall an incident when you received the gift of forgiveness from someone. Try to recall the emotions you experienced as the recipient of this gift. Imagine how the giver felt, what his or her motive might have been as the gift was given, and how that person felt afterwards. What were the benefits of forgiveness for the one who offered this gift?

Making a gesture of forgiveness in front of others can also help us. Even telling someone of our intention to forgive can move us in that direction. So can writing a letter and reading it out loud to someone we trust.

But what do we do when all our efforts, our work, and our pain does not lead us to the goal of forgiveness? Should we give up our hope and resign ourselves to the pain of carrying a burden of anger or shame?

Worthington encourages us to hold on to the intention to forgive — even when memories of the hurtful event come back. He tell us that when the pain comes back, we should look for caring and healthy ways to distract ourselve from thoughts of revenge or self-pity or those pointless imaginary conversations with the person who hurt you. So eating a quart of ice cream to comfort ourselves is not a good idea, but watching a favorite movie or doing some gardening might be just the ticket.

All of this may seem like a lot to go through just to let someone else off the hook. But Worthington reports that there are half a dozen or more well-designed studies measuring the consequences of procedures like the one I've described. These studies consistently show that forgiveness reduces chronic anger, fear, and stress; increases optimism; and brings health benefits. Worthington himself has used this approach after a terrible tragedy for his own family. His elderly mother was the victim of a brutal murder by a young man. Six months after the crime, Worthington was able to forgive the man. He told us that it was not easy, but it helped him and his relatives during a very bad time.

An act of forgiveness can be a gift to the person or persons who have harmed us. It is also a gift to ourselves, because it can release us from painful emotions that hurt us. But it is also a gift to all of humanity, because it is one more step toward peace. As we remember the Jewish prophet who blessed the peacemakers and the merciful, may we resolve to do the work of creating forgiveness: wherever it is needed.

May it be so.