The Spiritual Discipline
of Letting Go

This sermon was delivered on February 28, 2010 at the Unitarian Universalist Congregation (Blacksburg, VA), by the Reverend Christine Brownlie.

Reading: The Five Remembrances

I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health.  There is no way to escape ill health.

I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape this.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. 

There is no way to escape being separated from them

My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.  My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

Thich Nhat Hahn

Sermon

I’ll begin by thanking Frank DuPont for suggesting this sermon topic to me. It’s a great gift when someone shares an idea for a sermon — it’s a lot easier to write about something that I know at least one person is interested in exploring.

There are many things in our lives that we might wish to let go of, such as habits, desires, and anxiety about the future. Today I will focus on letting go of those of the recurring thoughts and emotions that come from past events or an anticipated future, that cause us suffering. This is a common tendency that many of us are so unaware of, that we don’t even recognize the behavior or the consequences for our well-being.

Let’s start with a simple scenario. Imagine yourself doing an activity that is “mindless,” that is, that it does not require you to focus on your actions and is not physically taxing. This could be anything from peeling potatoes, to taking a walk in a very familiar place, to taking a bath. You’re pretty relaxed as thoughts begin to bubble up. You think of some tasks that you’ll need to do later that day. These are simply reminders and plans, and they have no emotions attached to them. Next you recall a recent happy encounter with someone you like, and you smile as you remember your conversation and how much you enjoyed speaking with this person. Now you move into a different mode; You begin to think of someone in your life that is a problem for you. Maybe this person is ill or in some other kind of difficulty, and you want to help them. Maybe you’re angry with this person over something he or she did or said — or didn’t do or say. Perhaps you yourself said or did something that you regret. You feel tensions in your body that signal unpleasant emotions: anger, grief, remorse, fear, worry. You look at the pile of potatoes that you peeled, or at the door between you and that familiar place, or you realize that the water in the tub is cold. Time has passed, the tasks were accomplished, but you don’t recall quite how. Because you were so engaged with your thoughts about the past or the future, you’ve been unaware of the present moment.

I once drove about 40 miles, and when I arrived at my destination, I had no recollection of the trip. That scared me! Where had I been? I’d been totally preoccupied by my thinking about the angry speech I was planning to lay on someone. This speech had been a work in progress for several days. Sitting in my car, I could feel my heart racing and my blood pressure soaring. I remember hoping that I hadn’t run any red lights on this trip!

I realized that this repetitious internal conversation was both dangerous and unhealthy. I would guess that most of you have had similar experiences. Maybe, like me, you too would like to get off this merry-go-round of repetitive thoughts and feelings because it creates suffering in our lives. But we don’t know how to let go. All of the world’s great religions address the human experience of suffering. The approach that works best for me — and for many other people — comes from the traditions of Buddhism. As in some other religious traditions, Buddhism says that life is difficult and often unsatisfying. You can’t always get what you want. Even if you do, you can be absolutely certain that at some point you will lose it. Everything in life changes, everything is impermanent. Recall the Five Remembrances that you heard just a few minutes ago. That’s just the way it is, but we don’t like that one bit and — so we suffer.

The way to end our suffering is to accept the truth of impermanence, and, through the discipline of our thoughts, to learn to live in the moment. Our minds are always looking backwards or running ahead: rehashing, reworking, anticipating, imagining. This activity adds to our suffering, and it often keeps us from enjoying the present.

Before we discuss how to catch and quiet our “monkey minds,” let’s look at some of our assumptions about our thoughts that get us into trouble.

The first assumption we make is that we confuse our thoughts about people, events — or other things — with reality. Our thoughts are always incomplete and inexact. Often they are simply wrong. We are convinced that we know why people say the things they say or do the things they do, but often we are truly clueless. We make assumptions about the motives, attitudes, and emotions of others that can lead to false conclusions. We also make assumptions about our own motives, attitudes, and emotions that are equally false. What is most alarming is that we act on these false ideas. We say words or take actions based on our assumptions and our self-understanding. Sometimes we’re spot on, but every now and again we miss the mark by a mile. What do the misfires lead to? Suffering for us — and often for the other person.

The second assumption follows from the fact that we identify with our thoughts and feelings. They become very precious to us: we think of them as our “self” and we value this self very highly. We protect it, and we’re terribly offended if anyone does something or says something that we interpret as a diminishing of our self or ego.

Buddhism is agnostic when it comes to the concept of the self. In the earliest extant record of the Buddha's teachings, there are no questions about the concept of “self.” You won't find them addressed at all. When Buddha was asked point-blank whether or not there was a self, he refused to answer. He felt that the discussion was pointless and would not lead to anything of value — in fact, it was dangerous because it led to a separation of “self” and “other.” He said that such a dichotomy was bound to create suffering because it encouraged attachment and clinging to ego. It was better to look at one’s suffering and to question its source, which is always found in attachment; our human tendency to cling to ideas, things, position, status, or other people.

When we maintain our attachment to events in the past or to worries about the future, we are not really present in the life we have today. We don’t see the beauty, we miss the happiness, and we ignore the love that exists in this moment of life that will never come to us again. This doesn’t mean that the present moment is always blissful and happy, but it is all that we truly have. To miss this moment — whether it is a happy moment or a very difficult moment — is to miss our life.

So how do we begin the process of letting go of the feelings, thoughts, assumptions, and desires that cause us to suffer? The first step is simply to become aware of our thoughts and feelings by observing the workings of our minds. We can do this through mediation, or by observing our thoughts while we go about our daily activities.

It helps to have a non-judgmental — and even a compassionate — attitude toward ourselves and our thoughts. We can notice how they rise and fall as we move from one thought to another while we carry on with our day, or as we sit quietly. We can notice physical sensations that are aroused by our thoughts: are they pleasant or uncomfortable? Can we name them? Or are they so out of character or complex that we’re not sure just what they are?

Many of our thoughts simply drift through our minds like clouds, and they leave no lingering emotions that disturb us. Other thoughts come on like summer storms, surprising us with their power. They may return again and again, pulling us along a familiar and unhelpful path that leads only to the same old dead-end of frustration and suffering — again and again.

Learning to let go of our troubling repetitive thoughts is not easy. We need to approach this work with compassion, and with patience for ourselves. We need to use effort and firmness as well. Curiosity can also be a very helpful tool.

As we observe a repetitive thought, we can ask ourselves some questions. What’s the story that we are telling ourselves about this specific incident or expectation? What are the feelings that we’re experiencing as we encounter this thought? What do our feelings reveal about our attachments or desires? We might not do anything to try to change the feelings. We can just watch them and call ourselves back to the present moment. We notice that the mind wanders along through all sorts of thoughts that arouse a variety of emotions that change over time. This is simply how the mind manifests itself, and we can watch it without judgment.

If troubling thoughts and feelings persist after a few times of doing this, we can dig deeper and spend some time considering if our feelings and thoughts are “true.” If we suspect someone of bad faith or ill will, we need to ask ourselves if this suspicion is valid, or if it is something that we have attributed to this person based on assumptions and suspicions. If we are struggling with a worry or a fear, then we should ask if our stress and anxiety are coming from self-doubt, or is an actual risk. If we do fail, if something goes awry, is the outcome likely to be as catastrophic as we imagine it will be? How do we know this? Finally, is this thought pattern creating true happiness or adding to our suffering?

Slowly and with persistence, this kind of exploration and questioning begins to uncover the hidden assumptions and thought patterns that is the foundation of what each of us calls “me.” Some of this “me” is based on values, ideas, and beliefs that have come to us through external sources: parents, teachers, experience, and culture. Again we have to ask ourselves if these ideas and beliefs are true. Do they help us? Or, do they create obstacles and suffering? Do they open us to the present moment? Or, do they take us out of time — to the past that we cannot change or into a future that can only be imagined?

The work of letting go opens us to truths about others and about ourselves. We may find that our attitudes and assumptions shift and evolve. We are no longer such willing prisoners to false ideas and expectations. We gain compassion for ourselves and for others because we have a more realistic understanding of our human nature and of the suffering that we all experience. We discover that when we are caught up in our self-absorbed mental chatter, we seldom consider the suffering of others; most especially, those whom we feel have wronged us.

You may be wondering how to begin this work of letting go. I would suggest that you start by taking a few moments in a quiet place and repeating the short poem by Thich Nhat Hahn that we used in out meditation:

Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.

Dwelling in the present moment, I know that it is a wonderful moment. Then take a few wonderful moments to watch your own thoughts as they ebb and flow. Where do your thoughts take you? Do they add to your happiness? Or, do these thoughts instead increase your suffering?

Letting go of our troubling thoughts allows us to enjoy more wonderful moments in our lives: moments of peace, true happiness, and well-being. Surely, these are the fruits of a well-grounded spiritual practice that anyone of any spiritual leaning would want.

May it be so.